(Associative Press)
By Dudley Dortmund
London, England
Doctors at the Royal London Hospital have discovered papers proving that two of the most beloved figures in western culture are the sameperson. The findings which were announced at a hastily called press conference are likely to cause controversy in the packaged candy industry.
Appearing before the hospital’s famous display of human oddities, Dr. Percival Strunk told reporters that archivists at the venerable British hospital were looking for some newspapers to stop a plumbing leak when they uncovered some lost journal entries by Sir Frederic Treves, the legendary Victorian physician who first brought Joseph Merrick, the so-called “Elephant Man” to public attention.
Dr. Strunk said that Sir Frederic Treves, who was one of the most respected surgeons in Victorian London discovered that St. Valentine and the Easter Bunny were not only “one and the same” but they were also the model for Robert Louis Stevenson’s “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”.
“Dr. Treves was called to the queen’s palace in August of 1886 and ordered by a wildly intoxicated Benjamin Disraeli to operate on an enormous comatose rabbit.” said Dr. Strunk.
“While removing the rabbit’s gall bladder, Dr. Treves discovered that it wasn’t a rabbit at all, but an unfortunate furry man with an exceptionally strange backside.”
“After the surgery and the ether,” said Dr. Strunk, “Treves found that the bunny was essentially quite hostile.”
Dr. Treves journal describes the sub-rosa world of the bunny-man as a royall scandal of sorts. “The Queen loves this vicious creature,” wrote Treves. “She adores it when he shoots arrows at stray cats, for this apparently reminds her of her beloved deceased husband, Prince Albert, who enjoyed performing peculiar acts of garden cruelty with candy and arrows.”
Unlike Joseph Merricks, “The Elephant Man” this creature had no social refinements of any kind.
“It was quite nasty,” wrote Treves, “For it saw no distinction between good and evil. I witnessed it as it shot chocolate dipped arrows at some sleeping old persons.”
Dr. Strunk, who is a podiatrist, said the findings are likely to bring about a renewed interest in the infamous and unsolved crimes of "Jack the Ripper.”
Planet of the Blind 
I tagged you Connie.
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The hostile Ether Bunny? Queen Victoria was one of the first to use ether (for a birth), and once she did, it became more acceptable.
Garden cruelty with candy and arrows–that’s classic.
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This is hilarious! I knew there had to be a conspiracy behind it all. hahaha!
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