by Andrea Scarpino
Los Angeles
This weekend marked the 40th wedding anniversary of my partner Zac’s parents, who began dating after they finished high school and have been married longer than they previously lived apart. I’m in awe that their relationship has survived so long, through two children, serious illness and disability, moves across the country, frustrating jobs, two Bush administrations, etc.
Thinking about his parents’ wedding anniversary made me think about spending 40 years with Zac. It’s a lovely idea, but also one that causes confusion and consternation in family members and friends who really want us to get married, not just be together. I have even had, albeit in rare cases, people pity me openly and vocally for having a partner seemingly unwilling to commit to marriage. Of course, Zac is never pitied—societal expectations say marriage should be paramount in a woman’s life, but a thing of terror and horror in a man’s life. The truth is, neither of us wants to be married for a plethora of social and political reasons, none of which has anything to do with fear of commitment. I mean, Zac and I own a house together in Ohio, lease our apartment together in Los Angeles, share a joint checking account and a credit card, let alone three very needy cats. If any two people wear the signs of commitment, we certainly do.
But that wedding ring and ceremony is still such a big part of American society that many people refuse to acknowledge the seriousness of a relationship until the wedding commitment has taken place. So why are we so standoffish about the whole thing? Why not just have a wedding and call it a day? At the very least, we could haul in bountiful wedding gifts—and I would very much like a vegetable juicer.
Here’s one reason: even though the tides are turning on opponents of gay marriage, I like to think of myself as an activist, and taking advantage of a “privilege” (meaning that marriage is currently constructed as a legal, religious, cultural, etc. privilege but shouldn’t be) when others are denied that same “privilege” makes me pretty uncomfortable To paraphrase a friend, I like to think of myself as the type of person who wouldn’t have gone to “whites only” restaurants in the 50’s, so signing up for a “heteros only” institution really isn’t high on my to-do list.
Another reason is that the language around marriage, well, makes my skin crawl. I’m always reading in magazines from self-help type people that “marriage is hard work” and takes “a lot of time and energy.” And I already work really hard—on my chosen career (poetry) and two jobs (teaching), on improving my running speed, on choosing healthy food that is locally grown and doesn’t contribute to environmental collapse, on presidential elections and conference papers. Why take on marriage when everyone agrees it’s such hard work and I already work so hard? Our relationship, as it is, is wonderful and kind and not-at-all hard. Plus, having someone call me his “wife”—well that carries too much cultural baggage to express in this one little post.
So as I celebrated Zac’s parents’ 40-year marriage this weekend, I also celebrated something even bigger—their 40-plus year relationship. And I continue to wish everyone the love and joy that finding another person with whom to share your days can bring. Whether or not you choose marriage. Whether or not marriage is allowed you. Whether or not your relationship is with a partner or dear friend or sibling or long-lost soul mate. To paraphrase the Beatles, all we need is love, but let’s expand the shapes that love can take. I promise, only good things will result.
Andrea Scarpino is the west coast Bureau Chief of POTB. You can read more about her at:
Planet of the Blind 