Back in the 1970’s when Saturday Night Live was new viewers were amused by a running gag that featured nothing more than a man in his apartment and a closed door. You know the rest. It was the dreaded Land Shark.
Now the Walking Shark has come out of retirement to work with the National Defective People Industry Standards and Practices Association to make sure that defenseless people–those who rely on the kindness of strangers–are summarily eaten alive.
“We felt that the recent upturn in the abuse of children in Sunday schools and the cruelty to the developmentally disabled and the elderly needed a boost,” said Urho Aho, president of the Defective People Industry Standards and Practices Association. “You can’t just leave abuse up to chance, you really want to promote it.”
Enter the Land Shark.
Nowadays he looks more like Charlie the Tuna than the fearsome sprinting dentata of old but he’s still quite nasty.
“I ate two pugs and a kitty cat on my way to this interview,” the shark said when we met him at a secure location in Minneapolis.
The shark (who has no arms) has a retinue of exophthalmic attendants who clean his teeth with silver tooth picks and adjust his glasses.
The shark got straight to the point.
“America treats the poor and the developmentally disabled and the elderly like shit,” he said while Trixie adjusted his beret.
“But they never just flat out get the job done–that’s where I come in. I teach care givers and night nurses and such how to tear off legs and noses without remorse. Its the remorse you really want to get rid of. You’ve got to celebrate viciousness and appetite and quit screwing around.”
The shark, who is a big fan of fascism says that the disabled and the elderly are just “useless eaters” and as a predator he can’t imagine anything worse than that.
According to Mr. Aho the Land Shark is booked solid for the next 12 months.
“He’s doing more with legislatures these days,” Aho said. “The shark says that when you slash supervisory care budgets to the bone you can devour people with impunity.”
S.K.
Planet of the Blind 
That was Steve Martin who did land shark, right? That brings back good memories. My dad used to sneak up on us when we were doing homework in our rooms and announce “Land Shark.”
The line about having to work hard to promote it made me laugh hard.
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