By Andrea Scarpino
Los Angeles
I’ve been told that people who grew up with neat nuclear families struggle understanding the families of those of us who didn’t. I count among my family: blood relations, step-relatives, my partner and his relatives, old friends, and even ex step-relatives, people who are technically no relation to me since my mother and step-father’s divorce. Trying to explain an ex step-grandmother or an aunt who is really a friend to someone who has only known blood related grandmothers and aunts, well, that can get a little tricky. And for many years growing up, I wished my family wasn’t as complicated as it is, that I didn’t have to divide my time between houses and states, explain why my last name was different from everyone else most of the time, or why our motley crew of relatives looked so different from one another.
And our difference has only continued to grow. I have first cousins who are twenty years older than I am, a younger brother who is a foot taller, a Chinese American sister, Korean niece, a step-mom who is married to my step-dad, and a Jeannie, who has been my step-mom since I was nine. . . and this just begins the weirdness. But at a certain point along the way, I realized that our difference is part of what makes my family interesting. And incorporating new people into the family fold, well that’s just part of the fun.
So while I understand the fact that my brother and I have different fathers can confuse other people, I also wish we could open up our conceptions of family a little wider to let more people in. And maybe, in letting them in, we could find more common denominators between us. Because one thing I’ve learned during the past eight months of President Obama’s administration is that racism in America is alive and well, is kicking its feet wildly against a Black President, is stirring up hatreds everywhere it can. And racism is only possible when we refuse to see commonalities between us, insist that our particular way of life is better than another’s.
And I can’t help but wonder if racism’s us versus them mentality wouldn’t be undermined if more people had practice broadening their view of family. If we could move from the rapidly dying nuclear family outwards in every direction, collecting good friends and former relatives, partners of friends and actual blood relations along the way, sweeping them all into a widening cyclone of loved ones. I know this may sound hippy-dippy, but finding commonalities in the midst of difference has only made my life better, has helped me to negotiate and renegotiate my own beliefs, has given me practice questioning and challenging others who hold different beliefs, look differently, come from very different backgrounds. And it has taught me to respect other people, even when I don’t understand their ideas.
Hatred likes to disguise itself as family values, so I like to think of the values my motley crew of a family has taught me: don’t worry so much about blood/skin color/class status/background/ sexuality/ability. Instead, take care of those who will take care of you. Who will have conversation instead of mud flinging, who don’t care so much if you’re really related, who will look you in the eye and say you’re wrong, and then help you cut the birthday cake.
Andrea Scarpino is the west coast Bureau Chief of POTB. You can visit her at:
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