Do's and Don'ts of Conversation

A clever little book, Do Not Interrupt: A Playful Take on the Art of Conversation, by Stephen Kuusisto ($14.95, Sterling) examines the do’s and don’ts of conversation. Lovers of language and communication skills will greatly enjoy this examination of the difference between merely talking with someone else and actually having a stimulating conversation.   ~ Bookviews by Alan Caruba

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Author: stevekuusisto

Poet, Essayist, Blogger, Journalist, Memoirist, Disability Rights Advocate, Public Speaker, Professor, Syracuse University

0 thoughts on “Do's and Don'ts of Conversation”

  1. Hi Laura,
    Especially in today’s social climate, it’s probably unwise to speculate on non-material traits with regards to gender. To say men are generally hairier than women is much safer than speculating on traits like conversational styles that are far more nebulous.
    It seems as if my step-mother and I often interrupt each other because we think we know where the other is going with a statement. This does present a greater risk of potential misinterpretation. I think that I sometimes do this when she’s suddenly sparked a thought, and I know that there’s a risk that the thought that has come from the very dark and mysterious place that is somewhere inside of my mind, will just as easily irretrievably disappear back into that same place before I express it. But we’re both obnoxious enough that, if one of us thinks that the other has misinterpreted, either definitely will interrupt to set the record straight!

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  2. Hi Leslie!
    Your description of your husband sounds very much like me,
    “…quite reticent about taking in a group of three or more. …circumspect about topics that he chooses to talk about…so quiet at parties that he becomes the invisible person in the room.” That is me exactly and a major reason why I do not believe in gender-based styles of conversation. I have noticed throughout my life that when people talk about gender differences in conversation they tend to overlook the quieter women in the group as well as the more talkative men. One of the many reasons “Do Not Interrupt” as such a wonderful book is that, unlike many books on listening and communication, Steve does not stereotype the sexes, but rather gives us ALL guidelines for higher quality conversation. I do agree with you that it is interesting and important to explore why people interrupt so much instead of truly listening!

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  3. Hi Laura,
    This concept of conversational interruption is interesting to explore. My dad recently remarked that he listens to me and my stepmother converse, and notices that we interrupt each other time and time again as we talk to one another. And he’s just amazed that neither of us seem to notice or be offended by it. It reminds me of something marriage & family therapist George Tapp of Southern California Counseling Center once told me during my undergraduate studies years ago. He ran court-mandated spousal abuse group therapy sessions. He also ran optional groups for spouses who have been abused. My mentor Annie Lampl arranged for me to observe two of his group therapy sessions. As he set up for the men’s group he remarked that the men are typically more territorial. He created conversational rules for them at the outset, so that no one would encroach on the conversational territory of another. The folding metal chairs were set up in a big, relatively bare room in a large circle with about three or four feet between each chair. When a guy would say something like, “Yeah, I mean, ya know, me and my wife go at it sometimes real bad.” George would direct the speaker to a board with a list of words on it, and ask the person to pick the word that closest describes how he feels when he and his wife “go at it”. It was all fairly structured. Many of the men talked at the floor and mumbled. When a guy next to me said, “Oh yeah, man” in response to the comments of a guy across the room, it was the first time that I realized that I needed a hearing aid! When George set up the women’s group, he used a much smaller room, filled with over-stuffed chairs and sofas clustered around a large coffee table. The woman all brought stuff to eat, and piled it on the coffee table. George said that the discussion was much less structued with this group. Often, all he had to do was present a topic, and let the women loose. It was so interesting to observe and contrast the two groups!
    My husband, who can be a very interesting conversationalist, is quite reticent about talking in group of three of more. At a dinner party someone usually needs to actually address him by name before he will speak. I always feel as if I have opinions and will jabber away about practically anything, but he is much more circumspect about topics that he chooses to talk about, and chooses his words much more carefully. One of my blind friends said that he is usually so quiet at parties that for her, he becomes the invisible person in the room. I know guys who can talk my head off, so these behaviors are certainly not exclusively gender-based, but just the same, I can’t help thinking that at least some gender-based styles of conversation exist.

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  4. What an enjoyable experience reading “Do Not Interrupt: A Playful Take on the Art of Conversation” has been for me! This tribute to the art of meaningful conversation discusses many of the great conversationalists of history as well as reminding us of Roman Orator Cicero’s rules for good conversation. (p.77-78) The most important rule is, of course, the title of this book, “Do Not Interrupt.” This serves as a needed reminder for me as I have a tendency to interrupt Paul, yet get annoyed when he interrupts me. (not as often.) Thank you, Steve, for an important and enjoyable read!

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  6. Oh my God, what a gift! (And if you would have *told* me this, instead of me *reading* it — that *Oh my God!* would’ve interrupted your words somewhere between “A” and “conversation.”)
    🙂
    Can’t wait to get my copy! Yay!

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  7. The book has been wait-listed with Barnes & Noble awaiting publication, so I’m assuming it’s in the mail, as I write. SK, you are so lucky that blog conversations can’t be interrupted, otherwise I’d probably be cutting in all over the place — one of my more annoying conversational traits. If I politely wait for people to finish, I’ve usually forgotten what I wanted to say by the time it’s my turn.

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