And what if they say they don’t know?
And what if they say just live with it?
The pain. Diagnosed with fibrocystic breasts as a teen, I’ve now struggled with breast pain for two decades. But it’s grown worse in the last five years. And since December, constant pain, all-encompassing, no break. Eight weeks. And almost as a final insult: hot flashes. Sitting alone, listening to friends, suddenly I’m flushed with heat, my face, my chest. And then it passes. Eight weeks of this.
I have gone to specialists, hotshot gynecologists, breast treatment centers. The last doctor recommended my current course of hormonal regulation through continuous birth control. Thus, eight weeks of constant pain, hot flashes, migraine. I am exhausted. My body aches. I’m ready for a last resort. Or at least, another choice: the Mayo Clinic.
Eight hours away—“One hour for every week of pain,” my friend Chris said. Five days of appointments. The visits should be mostly covered by insurance, but the driving, the week of hotel and meals, is out-of-pocket. It will be a big expense, money-wise, time-wise. Emotionally.
And what if I really am a mystery? What if there is no answer other than some strange combination of genetics and environment? What then? The best of the best—or at least the best my insurance provides, one of the best in the United States—what if they say there’s nothing to do? At least then I’ll have heard it from the best?
“What are you scared of?” Chris asked. And I don’t know, exactly. Five days of doctor’s appointments, of telling my story again and again? The possibility of very clearly bumping up against the limits of our current medical knowledge?
What I’m hoping for: an end to the pain.
Barring that: an answer, maybe, no matter how unsatisfactory. Maybe a way to end my obsessive medical journal searches, late-night googling of mastalgia, fibrocystic breasts, pain management, anti-inflammation diets. My obsessive reading of inconclusive research reports. An acceptance. Or barring that: some peace.
Planet of the Blind 
Thank you so much–for your kind words and your support. I will definitely report back! xx
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Hi Andrea,
Pain is such a pain, especially when it makes everything else more difficult to concentrate on. That’s the pits for someone creative like you. Even if it’s inconclusive, the Mayo sounds like a good plan — worst case scenario, if they do nothing for you, at least you won’t sit around wondering if you could have solved this problem, and didn’t take action to do it.
I have a somewhat similar problem. My hearing. It sucks. And I’m inherently cheap. I’ve been wearing mailorder hearing aids. Perhaps they’re every bit as effective as the s-s-seven th-th-thousand d-d-d-dollar ones that I’m going to try next month — My family has struggled with hearing problems, and I know that even with the best aids, the impairment ain’t goin’ away. But I’m gonna sink the money into the best aids, the best audiologist, and then if it doesn’t work, at least I’ll be the wiser for it. And when people say, “You should try harder to fix that, I can emphatically tell them (in the nicest way possible) that they don’t know beans about hearing loss.
Good luck. I hope you’ll report back, so we can all learn from your experiences. I suspect you will — people who read this blog appreciate this about your frank and honest writings.
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