I haven’t been sleeping well, my mind full of tasks I have to remember, conversations I want to forget, the excitement of newly developing adventures.
Last night, lying awake as Zac slept next to me, I breathed deeply, tried to quiet my mind enough to sleep. Instead, I thought about my friend Gracie, who would have turned 19 last weekend if she hadn’t been killed in an overturning SUV. I thought about my friend Dan, murdered on an ordinary Saturday. I thought about my Dad, how having a child late in life meant leaving me sooner than I would have liked. I thought about the ring he and my step-mother bought me when I graduated from college—a square garnet, my birth stone, surrounded by cut diamonds. I don’t often wear it, but right now, I want to wear it constantly, somehow cull strength from its presence on my hand.
I thought about how this week, I will celebrate 12 years with Zac, an anniversary I never imagined I would celebrate. Throughout my childhood, I imagined a life filled with friends and pets, with traveling, with overflowing bookshelves. I would wrap my white woven blanket around my head and pretend I had long, straight hair I could swirl around my shoulders—not that I was getting married. I spent hours alone in my room arranging stuffed animals on my bed and teaching them how to read. Even through college, I imagined sharing a big home with dear friends, of retiring together in some lovely beach location. I never dreamed I would find a partner willing to put up with me.
And yet, for 12 years, I have found a partner willing to put up with me. 12 years ago this week, Zac and I had our first date watching the presidential debates (Gore versus Bush) on the television in my apartment. I remember making Zac tea—he had a cough—and I remember my cat Orion, who was terrified of everyone, walked right up to Zac and demanded petting. I remember sitting on my living room table instead of the couch—but I can’t remember why. It was the perfect first date for the way our relationship has unfolded—politically inclined, thoughtful, full of lively (and lengthy) discussions.
12 years ago this week, a man lovelier than I could have imagined, a man I wouldn’t have dreamed of imagining, walked through the front door of my apartment. So even when I lie awake thinking about heartbreaks, all the things I wish were different, I also think about the many reasons I have to be grateful, the many people who fill my life with love. I lie awake thinking about Zac—for 12 years, the very best thing to have happened to me.
Planet of the Blind 
Andrea, Zac – congratulations on your 12 years togehter.
LikeLike