Readers’ Note: Once again I’ve failed to send out Holiday Cards.
Well, its been a big year in the Kuusisto household. Uncle Urpo Kuusisto (who is 108 years old BTW) invented the “reverse slingshot” and knocked out his right eye—BTW it wasn’t his good eye so he didn’t mind. The slingshot delivers vodka balls straight to your glottis if your aim is true. Maija Anna-Maija Anna Maija Kuusisto (who is 82) (and whose relationship with the rest of the family has not been precisely established) became convinced by overwhelming persuasion that one can find the true tomb of Jesus over the next hill. At first we kept her chained to the electric light pole in the yard, but she tore it out, dragging it behind her, trailing wires and sparks. At the suggestion of Sorpa Suru Kuusisto (home from college) we gave her a cocktail of Adderall and meat tenderizer and she’s now happily reading the Farmers’ Almanac backwards.
This year, the biggest news in Kuusisto-land comes from the Communist side of the clan. Cousin Alpo Kuusisto (who is 108 years old BTW) lead a group of retired old men eating out (they call themselves ROMEO) in the singing of the Internationale at a Denny’s Restaurant in Fitchburg, Massachussetts. The police took no action because the sight of so many red phlebitis stockings robbed them of their customary stamina. Ah, anthropology! Other lefty news comes from Jussi Kuusisto who studies marketing at Slippery Rock College and has patented “The Old Joe Stalin Embalming Method” which he says, will allow every aging and unrepentant socialist to lie in state forever. “Picture it,” says Jussi, “old communists on severe display in every neighborhood in this bloody monolith of shopping they call America!” Jussi gets excited and we’re excited for him—as someone in our clan must make an honest living and we’re hoping the taxiderming of superannuated lefties will lead the way. The rest of the Kuusistos are up to their usual dark habits—watching flights of birds for omens, and of course, cooking atrocious meals. May your new year bring you endearments hitherto unimagined, a sincere wish, though we scarcely know you.
Planet of the Blind 