Relief from Your Fear of Racoons

If you live in the United States, own a television, and watch the evening news you’ve likely seen those treacle slingshots from big Pharma. The commercials feature happy people dancing beside a lake and tossing beachballs while your ears are tortured with a song about Racoon-do, the miracle drug that promises relief from procyonophobia. This is insulting enough but then the kicker: the voice over announcer, usually a woman who sounds a like Mary Poppins says “ask your doctor about…” This in an era when hospitals are being shut down, when insurance companies routinely deny coverage for cancer screenings—ask your doctor. As if you can find one and afford the visit. Ask your doctor about “specific phobia, animal type.” 

The citizens of other countries are not subjected to this. They have national health insurance and prescription drugs aren’t reduced to commodity fetishism, and frankly, people would go on strike if forced to watch such intelligence insulting corporate garbage. 

Now because I’ve learned that Anthropic’s Claude has a sense of humor, I asked it to come up with a jingle:

Here’s an original jingle in the style of those pharma ads, with the cheerful tone doing the satirical work against the grim reality underneath:

“Racoon-do” (the jingle)

(Soft acoustic guitar. Lakeside. Beachballs.)

Oh, there’s a rustle in the trash can,
And your heart begins to race,
But with Racoon-do, you can face it,
Just a smile upon your face!

Racoon-do, Racoon-do,
Brings the sunshine back to you!
Dance beside the lake again,
Like you used to do!

(Spoken, breathy, Mary Poppins-ish:)
Ask your doctor if Racoon-do is right for you.

(Spoken, rapid-fire, sped up:)

Racoon-do may cause dizziness, dry mouth, sudden urges to apologize to raccoons, loss of appetite for garbage, mild existential dread, and an unexplained fondness for trash pandas. Do not take Racoon-do if you are allergic to Racoon-do, or if you are a raccoon. Side effects may include speaking in commercials. If your fear lasts more than four hours, call a lawyer. Or a doctor. We’re not sure which. Neither is your insurance.

(Back to singing, brighter than ever:)

Racoon-do, Racoon-do,
Prior auth is up to you!
Beachballs bounce, the sun is high,
And the copay’s sky-high too!

(Fade out. Tiny print on screen: “Not covered.”)

Thanks Claude. My favorite line is “do not take Racoon-do if your are allergic to Raccoon-do or if you’re a real raccoon”…

And because I’m a glutton for punishment I asked Claude to make me a video: 

 

There’s a box you can click to turn on screen reading. https://claude.ai/artifact/YY9cDdhcg7VRdsQft7p6Dk

The video, like Claude itself, isn’t truly blind friendly. 

But of course blind people do not fear raccoons. 

And a staggering number of disabled people can’t get medical care anyway.