Pink Men on Every Channel

So I was depressed. I ate a sub sandwich, you know: "Man World Prozac" and I sat down in front of the TV and did some serious channel surfing. It was the weekend. Outside the birds were bragging about their libidos and miscreant neighbors were playing with a radio controlled "all terrain vehicle" which sounded like a fiercely amplified zipper, and all I could think was "why in god’s name would someone play with a radio controlled ATV?" and then of course I knew the answer: "they didn’t have a sub sandwich; they didn’t have a TV". Or worse: they DID have those things; had "done them"; had concluded that radio controlled toys were a step up.

On TV I had some choices to make if I was planning to watch something. That’s the mind set of someone who grew up in the age of three channels: when a guy with a war limp showed up with the big box of spare tubes to fix the jiggling screen; when they had "test patterns" before seven in the morning…

I took a bite of my sub. It was a middle aged guy’s sub: turkey.

A quick survey of the TV revealed:

"The Hitler Channel" Hitler all day, all night, and forever. I wondered why the other dictators don’t have their own channels. Where’s the Augusto Pinochet channel with cameo appearances by Henry Kissinger? Note to self: must write to Cable Company.

"The Endless Cooking Show": People you wouldn’t invite to your home doing things to food. Where is the show that demonstrates how a good Welsh rarebit can be produced in seconds think even my "All Terrain Vehicle" neighbors could get excited about that.

"The Boob and Butt Makeover Info-mercial Channel": Suzanne Sommers is featured during prime time. Off hours you get more people you wouldn’t invite to your home. They are mostly women–but some men are featured too. All of them did unspeakable things at the Frat house just last year. Someone’s daddy knew someone’s daddy and now they’re parading around in lycra. Blow dried hair. And those "I never get diarrhea" smiles.

"The Terrifying Shouting Men Channel": Turns out there are lots of these channels. They are the same men in different costumes depending on the show. They are mostly white men. Big heads. Very pink. They shout about President Bush and how decent he really is; they shout about how there’s never been a basketball player like insert name here; they shout about automobiles; they shout and shout about how everything in the world that’s bad has to do with some kind of liberal conspiracy, but try as I might, I can’t find any of these liberals on my tv. Just lots of sneering and shouting pink guys. They look like overgrown infants: they shake rattles and wobble from place to place. Note to self: must suggest to one of the junior Kennedys that we need a bigger version of the Peace Corps…

"The Country Music Alimentary Canal Jamboree Channel": People singing through their noses about terrible things that seem to be happening to their "insides". Opera without plot. Sad really. Several of these people could move over to the Butt channel without strain.

"The Corporation T Shirt News Channel": Lots of graphics to package the war, complete with theme music. When CNN first did this during the first Bush’s Gulf War people were appalled by the crass commercialism of music and televised video game montages. Remember those days? It "is" funny in a dark way to see how they’re struggling with the reality principle: the war is going very badly. It’s the Pogo Principle for CNN: "We have met the enemy and they are us…" Or something like that. Now they’re bringing out Donald Trump to say that he thinks W. is the worst prez in history. No wonder the neighbors are outside with their radio toy.

I settle on the "Ancient Movie Channel" largely because people don’t talk as much. There’s silence and you can hear the hiss of the old film sound track. I like that sound of falling rain while the characters stare meaningfully at the carpet. Note to self: remember to live near water…

One last thing: In Ohio there are at least 8 religious fanatic channels available all the time. Again, no surprise:

Big pink men shouting…

Note to self: call Time Warner or WOW and tell them to rename basic cable plan "The Big Pink Men Who Remain Vaguely Infantile" Option. And in fairness to the public, they should point out that this is the only option…

Note to self: eat apple. Play with dogs. Visit website of Copper Canyon Press to read about amazing Arabic language poetry…

S.K.

Author: skuusisto

Poet, Essayist, Blogger, Journalist, Memoirist, Disability Rights Advocate, Public Speaker, Professor, Syracuse University

0 thoughts on “Pink Men on Every Channel”

  1. In regards to the “The Terrifying Shouting Men Channel”, I always wonder if they hire someone whose sole job is to swab the decks and clean up all of the pink men’s spittle. I bet there’s more spit flying around on those sets than on any major league baseball field. Makes me glad there’s a television screen separating me from all that flinging saliva… or better yet, a remote with an off button.

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  2. Steve – you and Connie crack me up some times!
    On a side note, there is the stench of decay wafting down from our old house’s attic. I can’t help but think of “popping the mole”. I’ve acquired a list of chores from my hubby in exchange for him checking it out.

    Like

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