In an effort to be truly scary this year I’m going to Halloween parties as a Normal Person. There’s nothing scarier than a Normal Person and if you’ve ever seen a photo of a fully performative “NP” you know exactly what I’m talking about. (Chief Justice John Roberts of the United States Supreme Court comes to mind–he looks a lot like a “Ken Doll” and he has that wry little “NP” smile that suggests all is well in “NP World” and by God if you don’t think all is well in NP world you should get your head examined. (Yep, that’s all conveyed by a smile. That’s one of the secret powers of the “NP” tribe.)
Of course there are hundreds of horrifying things about NPs. Here’s a brief list:
- Their shoes. Normal People have really scary shoes. Sometimes they’re called “Bankers Bullets” but whatever you call them they’re shiny as armadillos and the collective unconscious knows that such shoes date from the Spanish Inquisition.
- Their conversation. NPs say stuff like: “Let’s recalibrate.” Or: “As it was in the beginning.” Lordy! Is that Scary!!!
- Their book shelves. “Cookouts for Dummies” and “How to White Wash” are standard.
- Their beliefs: NPs believe in the omnipotence of health and believe that their survival is assured by the lives of others. This is of course the scariest thing of all…
Let others rattle as skeletons or carry on as pirates. I’m going to scare the bejeezus out of people.
Ding Dong! “Oh my God! It’s a Normal Person! What festering cruelty is responsible for this?”