How to Fend Off Despair

The world has so many problems that some days merely getting out of bed is one of the labors of Hercules. I personally take an hour to put on my fawn skin these days.

My old black Labrador "Roscoe" who is 14 has the right idea. He moves ever so slowly out into the yard and then he eats snow.

I remember as a child in New Hampshire the glory of eating snow.

Okay. I don’t eat snow anymore. For one thing: I can’t identify the yellow patches.

For another thing: it’s unseemly for a grown man to get down on his knees and put his head in a snowdrift.

"Look Mommy! The blind man who lives next door has lost his head!"

Mommy: "It’s not polite to stare Honey."

Yes, and it’s no fun eating snow when you’re wearing a fawn skin.

But Roscoe has the right idea.

Take advantage of the small blessings.

I once had a friend who was an esteemed history professor. He actually looked like an eminent professor–gray hair, glasses, a little slumped from a life at the desk.

Anyway, one night we were both rooming together in a New York City hotel because our flight was canceled, etcetera. And while I was brushing my teeth, Frank went out into the corridor without explanation.

When he came back he had sandwiches, grapes and a bowl of fruit salad.

Frank had taken these items from the room service trays outside various rooms.

"It’s all still good," he said. "People give away all kinds of good things in America."

I told Frank that he was really a poet.

I miss Frank. He’s been gone now for about ten years. Students at the college where he taught will find his vast collection of books in the library. They will see some of his margin notes written in pencil. They will profit handsomely from being in the presence of a mind that wrestled ardently with Aristotle.

But they won’t know Frank was a poet.

And I suspect Frank would have eaten snow if it looked clean enough.

S.K.

Meme the Time Away

ohdave.  Sigh. 

*It seems your friends westender, laffy and kirsten don’t have much patience with you.  ohdave, I’m sorry.  Perhaps they think they have more important things to do than respond to the meme you forwarded.  Perhaps they don’t but they just wanted us all to think they do, so they moaned and complained and pretended to resent the whole exercise.  Why? 

**Well dave, I have nothing more important to do. (One could assume you don’t either, or at least you didn’t, since you responded to the meme yourself.) In fact, I’ve been just sitting here wondering what to do with myself, as I so often do.  Then I remembered that you had recently tagged me and I had yet to respond.  Flushed with excitement and a sense of honor (ohdave tagged ME!), I reached for the nearest book….

(*you guys know I’m just kidding, right?)
(**you guys do know I’m just kidding, right?)

Continue reading “Meme the Time Away”

Easter Bunny and St. Valentine “One and the Same” Say Experts

(Associative Press)
By Dudley Dortmund
London, England

Doctors at the Royal London Hospital have discovered papers proving that two of the most beloved figures in western culture are the sameperson. The findings which were announced at a hastily called press conference are likely to cause controversy in the packaged candy industry.

Appearing before the hospital’s famous display of human oddities, Dr. Percival Strunk told reporters that archivists at the venerable British hospital were looking for some newspapers to stop a plumbing leak when they uncovered some lost journal entries by Sir Frederic Treves, the legendary Victorian physician who first brought Joseph Merrick, the so-called “Elephant Man” to public attention.

Dr. Strunk said that Sir Frederic Treves, who was one of the most respected surgeons in Victorian London discovered that St. Valentine and the Easter Bunny were not only “one and the same” but they were also the model for Robert Louis Stevenson’s “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”.

“Dr. Treves was called to the queen’s palace in August of 1886 and ordered by a wildly intoxicated Benjamin Disraeli to operate on an enormous comatose rabbit.” said Dr. Strunk.

“While removing the rabbit’s gall bladder, Dr. Treves discovered that it wasn’t a rabbit at all, but an unfortunate furry man with an exceptionally strange backside.”

“After the surgery and the ether,” said Dr. Strunk, “Treves found that the bunny was essentially quite hostile.”

Dr. Treves journal describes the sub-rosa world of the bunny-man as a royall scandal of sorts. “The Queen loves this vicious creature,” wrote Treves. “She adores it when he shoots arrows at stray cats, for this apparently reminds her of her beloved deceased husband, Prince Albert, who enjoyed performing peculiar acts of garden cruelty with candy and arrows.”Cupid

Unlike Joseph Merricks, “The Elephant Man” this creature had no social refinements of any kind.

“It was quite nasty,” wrote Treves, “For it saw no distinction between good and evil. I witnessed it as it shot chocolate dipped arrows at some sleeping old persons.”

Dr. Strunk, who is a podiatrist, said the findings are likely to bring about a renewed interest in the infamous and unsolved crimes of "Jack the Ripper.”

Blogging From the "K List"

I’ve been thinking lately about blogs and blogging and about the “A List” bloggers like Lance Mannion or James Wolcott, Blue Girl in a Red State or Shakespeares Sister — bloggers who command what can only be called a readership.

When A List bloggers blog, well, even small birds cry out from the larch tree.

Here at “Planet of the Blind” we like to think of ourselves as “K List” bloggers. This means that we’re read by a lively and spirited miscellany of folks who prefer that part of the alphabet that comes before the diminuendo known as “LMNOP”.

Our readership likes to be within hailing distance of the “ABC or D” Lists, while foraging for truffles in the wild violets of Provence. But of course I’m mis-stating the case since our readers are much more likely to eat truffles found only in the Basque regions.

Provence is of course an “A List” place.

What are the “K List” places you ask?

Continue reading “Blogging From the "K List"”

Stay Festive

The Finnish poet Pentti Saarikoski wrote three books of poems toward the end of his life–books that he conceived of as a trilogy. In turn the poems in each of these three collections "talk to one another" much as the extended poetry of Ezra Pound is conversant from one of his "Cantos" to another.

The first of Saarikoski’s volumes was titled: "Dance Floor on the Mountain"–and the image this evokes is impossible to draw or paint in a simple representational way.

There is a mountain. Now there’s a dance floor. How does one build a dancing place on the sheer side of the mountain?

Perhaps it extends "out" with lots of jerry rigged four by four sections of lumber? It probably sags a bit if too many Bacchic celebrants climb on at once.

You can’t get to the dance floor by and ordinary path.

Here is a hint from the poet about the nature of the path:

Snakes with their small tongues

licked my ears clean

once again I can hear

the sounds of the world

Festive

the rowan-berries

I want to keep this peace

in which I have creatures sit on my shoulders

and a dance floor on the mountain

Translated from the Finnish by Anselm Hollo

Continue reading “Stay Festive”

Sore Song, or, Feeling Like the Unreformed Scrooge

The other day Connie and I were in a furniture store and I whispered to her that I had to flee. I was having a neurological hijacking because of the unrelenting Bing Crosby Christmas music. I kept hearing “White Christmas” as I stumbled among the microfiber ottomans.

Some days I wish I could write a cranky song in the manner of John Lennon. The thing wouldn’t have much of a melody. In fact it would sound like wind through a cracked shingle. The lyrics would be the chief thing. Unlike John Lennon I wouldn’t carry on about my mother or the pain of being famous. My song would probably go something like this:

I don’t believe in corporate welfare…

I don’t believe in arms sales…

I don’t believe in baseball…

I don’t believe in the two party system…

I don’t believe in the Christian right…

I don’t believe in the U.S. Justice Department…

I don’t believe in Rupert Murdoch   or Fox News or Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity or their sub-altern wanna be flunkies…

I don’t believe in Nancy Pelosi…

I don’t believe in “the Fed”…

I don’t believe in

Nashville

I don’t believe in Mike Huckabee…

I don’t believe in any political candidate who endorses torturing prisoners…

I don’t believe in the Environmental Protection Agency…

I don’t believe the White House…

I don’t believe in Lou Dobbs …

I don’t believe people who say that Nixon doesn’t look so bad after all…

For the sake of brevity I’m leaving out my general disillusionment with contemporary American poetry and fiction or my dismay that today’s college students aren’t outraged by the war profiteering of their respective colleges and universities which have plenty of dough invested in the “biz” of warfare…

I don’t know if I feel any better. But Hell, I never felt very good listening to those “post-Beatles” John Lennon albums. And I suppose Lennon would say that that was the point.

Did I mention that I don’t believe in the pharmaceutical industry or televised poker?

S.K.

Oh, to be Connected Again!

We’re baaaaaaack.  Back online, that is.  It’s been a week since we’ve
had internet connection and I must admit, I have mixed emotions about
the fact that I’ve missed access to the "world wide web" as much as I
have.  No newspaper, no TV, no internet – it’s a strange kind of
isolation. 

But today, even though the U of Iowa has cancelled classes and there’s
a travel advisory due to the ice storm, a rep from "Qwest" arrived at
our doorstep to connect us to the rest of the world.  It’s good to be
back.

Thanks, Tim.

~ Connie

Still

As written by Simi Linton:

Definitions of the word “blind” found in my computer’s Thesaurus
support the idea that blindness limits . The terms ignorant,
imperceptive, insensitive, irrational, oblivious, obtuse, random, rash,
stagger, unaware, unconscious, uncontrolled, unknowing, unplanned and
violent came up on my screen. My Roget’s Thesaurus also provided
inattentive and purposeless. These meanings lurk under the surface when
the word “blind” is used whether on its own, or in pairings, in such
phrases as “blind passion”, “blind rage”, “blind justice”, “blind
drunk” and “blind faith”.

How can the culture get away with attaching such an absurd
proliferations of meanings to a condition that affects, simply, visual
acuity? Of all the impairments, blindness seems to call up the most
fantastical of responses. These are used, uncritically and without
apparent irony by many and often.

Read Simi’s post in its entirety:  Blind Blind People and Other Spurious Tales

A Fortnight

How smug I used to be, back in the early days of blogging: I used to snicker at those bloggers who would declare that it was difficult to keep up.

But I’ve gotten my comeuppance. I have been traveling over the past two and a half weeks and I can’t seem to figure out how to connect when I’m on the road. I know that other people manage this, but I just get one nasty Microsoft screen after another that tells me that my wireless gizmo is not encrypted with the proper Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs. I’m the only jerk in the coffee shop who is not getting anything done even though I’m hunched at the laptop. Or is it the case that all those other seemingly efficient people at Starbucks or the Java House or Cuppa Joe are also screwing around with incompatible wireless cards?

I am awaiting the day when the Mac people over at Apple finally make a functioning Mac for blind people. I’ve been holding my breath for twenty years. Grrrr.

In the meantime, in case anyone’s wondering what I’ve been up to, here’s a fortnight’s snapshot:

1. I ate lunch in the National Republican Women’s Club in New York City. I was accompanied by my wife Connie and several terrific people associated with the University of Iowa’s Carver Center for the Study of Macular Degeneration. I must say that even when you’re blind; it’s a bit weird to eat a salad while sitting under an enormous painting of Nancy Reagan. And in case you think I’m making a partisan joke, I will add that it’s weird to eat a salad under a portrait of any First Lady. Try eating a crouton underneath the visage of Eleanor Roosevelt. Just try it. Or just say no.

2. I spoke at Hobart and William Smith Colleges in the company of two nonfiction writers who I much admire: Wayne Koestenbaum and John D’Agata. We talked about the advent of "the lyric essay" and the important role of the late writer Deborah Tall who encouraged a generation of young writers to experiment with poetic prose. Deborah edited the literary journal Seneca Review, and the latest issue of the magazine is dedicated to her memory. This issue is well worth reading.

3. I attended a memorial service for Deborah Tall in Ithaca, New York. Her family unveiled Deborah’s tombstone which has lines from her poetry carved into the granite. In keeping with tradition the mourners each placed a pebble or small stone on top of her stone. It was snowing in Ithaca.

4. I lost my only dress shoes in a hotel in Geneva, New York and accordingly I attended Deborah’s memorial wearing sneakers. That wouldn’t be so bad except that I was also wearing a trench coat. I looked like a flasher who had somehow gotten lost in the cemetery.

5. I took my guide dog Vidal to New York and turned him over to the staff at Guiding Eyes for the Blind, the nation’s premier guide dog school as far as I’m concerned. Vidal went back to the GEB veterinary clinic for an evaluation because a local vet in Iowa City said he had a torn ligament in one of his legs. The really good news is that Vidal is perfectly okay, and the good folks at Guiding Eyes cleaned Mr. V’s teeth while he was there. I now have Vidal back at my side and he will be working for one more month before his scheduled retirement in January.

6. Did I mention that I also spoke recently at Loyola University in Baltimore? I was invited there by the writer Lia Purpura who teaches poetry and creative nonfiction there. If you don’t know Lia’s wonderful poetry and prose you are in for a real treat. While I was visiting, Lia’s new puppy," Ruby" ate the head off a rubber duck and had to be rushed to the vet for an emetic. The vet gave Ruby some eye drops that made her vomit. Who knew there was such a product? Visine for the Vomitorium. I of course wonder who invented this product. Did they plan to do it or was this the result of some weird experiment? Ruby is fine. That’s the good news.

It is good to be back in Iowa City and I’m racing now to teach a class. We’re reading Jonathan Lethem’s wonderful novel Motherless Brooklyn which is narrated by a character who has Tourette’s Syndrome and who is the kind of character who becomes your personal friend as you read.

It’s good to be back!

S.K.