Dear Rep. Joe Wilson

image of liar with fingers crossed behind his back


Dear Rep. Wilson:


Last week when you shouted that President Obama was a liar I wondered if you had your sweet little head screwed on straight. I should say right off that until you appeared on my TV screen I’d never seen your sweet little noggin even though my stepdaughter Tara attended the University of South Carolina and vows she’s a “Gamecock” (though much to my relief she doesn’t sport one of those baseball caps that says simply: “Go Cocks” and which the testosterone besotted “gentlemen’s “C” crowd favors down there in your fair state.)

I should also say that being a liar myself I wondered if you were a big league bullshit detector or just an amateur. Our country has lots of the latter and I suspect that you’re just a weekend warrior in the business of outing those among us who spin august falsehoods in legions.

You see, I sir am a liar. I even have a graduate degree in lying–its called a Master of Fine Arts and I got it from the famous University of Iowa “Writers’ Workshop” and everyone knows that the “workshop” is the “bigs” when it comes to exquisite, unattenuated, wholesale bullshit. Why I can tell you why in A.D. 679 a tribe of wild horsemen crossed the Danube from the north and subjugated the Slavonic population of Moesia by forcing them to make guest towels and those darling little “soap on a rope” thingies that probably grace your guest bathroom down there in Gamecock Land, assuming you have a guest bathroom, for a man as credulous and simple as yourself may be virtually saintly (for deeply simple people often are very very simple) and accordingly you may have no need of guests.

I hope it’s true that you require no guests. Indeed, if you are going to study the arts of lying you have quite a lot of homework to do and guests would only eat into your studying time. Dearest Joe, you need to get busy.

The first thing you will need to do of course is wean yourself from the pablum lying that’s the customary addiction of choice for U.S. Representatives. You see, the kinds of lying you and your lobbying pals engage in is the sort of rhetorical gibbering that one sees represented in Hieronymus Bosch’s “Garden of Earthly Delights”–the liars are all upside down, sort of half crucified, topsy-turvy, half conscious, half smiling, and the gist is that they will take whatever they can get. Politicians like yourself Sir, will take whatever polymorphous spray painted half truth they can get, preferring Fools’ Gold to something of higher value. That’s the way it is in Washington. See Mark Twain’s novel The Gilded Age.

Cain (whose name means “ownership” (watch out, I might be a Socialist) slew his brother and became the first murderer and the second liar. You see, the problem is that amateur liars are always interested in property. Dear Rep. Wilson, I urge you to think about this fact.

The Pros in the lying field are not interested in lucre. We lie for the sheer glory of the enterprise. The best liars are to be found in Irish pubs but if you can’t find an Irish pub I recommend that you just go to a poetry reading.

Freud said that all killing is ritual killing. To which I’ll add that all big league lying is headhunting. Skol! Q. How many Congressmens’ heads does it take to hold a pint of beer? A. In the absolute dark of their chambers Congressmen have no heads.

Dear Joe: I’m ego-cosmic. I talk faster than St. Augustine on Pro-Vigil. Did you know that the word “larva” means mask? I challenge you to throw down your larva and meet me in a major league liar’s duel. Scotomisation and logorhythmic dances will be de rigeur.

You stupid twit…