Eating John Boehner

 

Minority Leader John Boehner

 

Yesterday I proposed that I would eat John Boehner, the minority leader of the U.S. House of Representatives. This was fatuous and silly of me because of course the whole business of eating human beings is a hackneyed literary theme ever since Montaigne and Swift and besides, who wants to read about a small town literature professor in the American midwest who thinks that figurative digestion is a fit way to handle authentic political disagreements? Silly. And my friends would probably say this conceit is beneath me. But let’s suppose I really WAS going to eat John Boehner? What’s to be done as viand, by way of preparation? 

Like a squid spouting ink Mr. Boehner spurts the word “socialism” at every turn. And like squid ink it does him some good for indeed he vanishes from the world of engagement for a few crucial minutes each time he “lets fly” as they say in the vernacular. True socialism is not in the cards for America even if we adopted Mr. Obama’s health care reforms wholesale like the whale that ate Jonah, and by the way, Jonah was not a socialist either, though he heard voices and could talk to the nether parts of animals which probably made him an anthroposophist which means that he would favor art and architecture that was good for people and I’m certain that Mr. Boehner would smell a conspiracy around that theme for “universal design” might have something to do with socialism–Uh Oh! There goes the squid ink! Poor Boehner, he can’t control his squid glands.

Getting the ink out of a squid is a matter of boiling. Did you know that boiling water is a socialist trick? The water company and the plumbing lines and the gas company are all subsidized by the government–EVEN WHEN they are registered as private companies! Yep! The government works to assure that poor people can boil water in the United States! Uh Oh! There goes the squid ink!

Once we get the socialist conspiracy ink out of Old Boehner we can think more broadly about how to season the man.

I pity John Boehner because when he says “socialism” he really means “solecism” and what with all the ink in his mouth its too hard to say. Kids in grade school who swallow paste often have this difficulty. That of course is a different subject and entirely for another day.

 

S.K.